Remembering our loved ones at Christmas

We Remember Them . . .

It is difficult to find the right words to say to people who have suffered the loss of a loved one. What feelings can I express to you that you have not already experienced.

 Losing someone or something you love is very painful. After a significant loss, you may experience all kinds of difficult and surprising emotions, such as shock, anger, and guilt.

 Sometimes it may feel like the sadness will never let up. While these feelings can be frightening and overwhelming, they are normal reactions to loss. Accepting them as part of the grieving process and allowing yourself to feel what you feel is necessary for healing.

 The loss of a loved one brings forth various emotions. The loss of a child, the loss of a spouse or lifelong companion, the loss of an aged parent, different scenarios but all with an overwhelming and at times a crippling sense of loss and sometimes abandonment.

Sometimes our loved one has passed away, and we still have unfinished business. In these instances it is often worthwhile to get help from a health professional or a Christian minister.

Some of us have been bereaved for some time and we come to these services to remember our loved one and share our memories. Some of us have lost a loved one during this year, and this is the first time they are not with us for Christmas.

We think of our loved ones who are gone from us, we mourn, but we also give thanks for the lives that touched our own in such significant ways…husbands, wives, children, parents, siblings, family, friends… We are better people for having lived and loved with them. Lives end…but faith teaches us that love doesn’t end. Love is eternal and the bonds of love are not broken by death.

St Paul stated: “Now there are faith, hope and love. But of these three, the greatest is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13.

In past generations it was considered that a person must have a “stiff upper lip”, and not show too much emotion. This resulted in people continuing to live their life in pain, depression and with unexpressed grief and often unresolved anger.

But I want to affirm that it is OK to grieve. When we lose a loved one, grief is the natural reaction.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve – but there are healthy ways to cope with pain. You can get through it! Grief that is expressed and experienced has a potential for healing that eventually can strengthen and enrich life.

I would say again: Grief is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away. Some people say “time heals all wounds”. But it is not the passage of time itself that brings resolution, but the way we work through the stages of grief.

Others may tell you to “snap out of it”, or to “get over it”. But sharing grief with a trusted friend or companion can be a healthy release, and a step forward in the healing process.

At the funeral of a loved one we may not feel the depth of pain and sorrow, basically because we are caught up in arrangements of the funeral, the presence of family and friends. But the deep pain of loss can overwhelm us in the times we are alone or in the dark hours of night time.

Grief is love, and it is because we feel such pain – because the inner ache is so great – that we know the depth of our love. Grief simply cannot and does not exist except where there has been love.

Grief is not a mountain to be climbed, with the strong reaching the summit long before the weak. Grief is not an athletic event with stopwatches timing our progress. Grief is a walk through loss and pain. There is no competition and no time trials.

I suggest to you today that we accept the fact that our loved ones have left us. But we need to give them a continuing stake in how we live. In this way, they are not just part of the past in our memories or of the present, but will continue to live and to achieve through whatever we have taken from their lives and added to our own for the benefit of others. And by doing this, we can feel a wonderful closeness to them.

This may be the first Christmas that you are without your loved one. Don’t be afraid to grieve. Grief is an expression of your love. Get support from family and friends. Surround yourself with positive people. Think about, talk about and treasure the memories of your loved one. Heal in your own way and in your own time.

The experience of grief is powerful. So, too, is your ability to help yourself to heal. In doing the work of grieving, you are moving toward a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in your life.

In conclusion: To those who have a Christian faith I want to share this prayer:

God,

you sent Jesus to share our earthly life.

We thank you for Christ’s victory over death.

Help us to share that victory,

and give us the hope to look forward again.

Amen